I always knew the day would come but not like this. We chose to have Alyssa cremated because we are military. We didn't want to bury her in a place that we are not able to visit frequently. Yesterday we went to pick her up.
One part of me was happy; my little girl was going home to be with us. But a large part of me was sad. On the drive back to Columbia I was able to push aside those feelings and enjoy the drive. But driving to the funeral home I became anxious and I could feel my throat starting to get tight. My heart was aching and I felt like I was in a fog. It seemed surreal to me that we were on our way to get our baby.
I cried because I hurt and because I was thankful to have her back. I cried because I can't see her anymore but I also cried tears of joy that I will see her again. So many thoughts went through my head but the one that was the most frequent was "thank you Lord". Without the gift of Alyssa I would not have this journey - as sad as it is sometimes. I am just thankful to have this opportunity that God has given me to share our story. It still amazes me that a tiny little girl was able to bring so many people to their knees.
Saturday is Alyssa's service. I'm looking forward to it but I'm also dreading it. Every step we take makes the situation more real. It's like finalizing something that I don't want finalized if that makes sense. But I guess it also pushes us forward - a direction that we need to continue to go in as hard as it may be. I will post something this weekend after her service. I know a lot of people want to attend but are not able to.