Heartache

I am writing this simply because I need to. I don't want to but I feel like I need to. I couldn't do it yesterday but after praying I feel like I can today.

I stayed up until 1:00 am watching Alyssa's screen that showed her heartbeat, oxygen level and blood pressure. It was only when her numbers were good that I fell asleep. Every now and then I would wake up and look and her numbers were good. All through the night. Then I woke up to the alarm for her oxygen. I saw that her heartrate and blood pressure had dropped as well. I think I knew then. I sat and prayed. I prayed that God would see her through it like He had all those other times.

But her numbers kept dropping. I prayed again for strength. I went over to Alyssa, sang to her and told her that we loved her. I told her that we would understand if she needed to stop. I told her we loved her and would see her again. I couldn't handle being there anymore so I told my husband I was going to take a quick break. I went into the room the hospital provided for us and broke down. I prayed again. "Let Your will be done". Then I went back to her room.

When I went back there were doctors and nurses everywhere. They were bagging her to get her oxygen levels up. Her heart rate was going down. A doctor asked if we wanted them to do chest compressions. They had asked this the day before and explained that it wouldn't help her. It would only prolong the inevitable. And I knew. I knew that today was the day she was going home. The doctor said that we could hold her. So that's what we did.

I held my baby girl and I sang to her. We told her how much we loved her, how proud we were of her. I honestly believe that she would have kept fighting but I knew she was tired. I knew she was holding on for us. I couldn't make her do it anymore for my selfish reasons.

Right now I'm heartbroken. I know she is with Jesus and it does provide comfort to me. But the human side of me can't help but want my little girl. I know God's plan is perfect but the human side of me can't understand why. This is the hardest thing we've ever been through. Our little girl has touched so many people and I am so thankful that God chose us to be her parents. I am so proud of my little girl, my Alyssa Marie.

God doesn't make mistakes. Our little girl was never a mistake, the way she was born was never a mistake. As hard as this is I know it isn't a mistake. We got 11 wonderful days with our little girl. I choose to remember those wonderful moments with our angel. But it is also those wonderful moments that make me break down.

Please continue to pray for us. Please pray for those who are angry and pray that they don't turn away from Him. I will probably do an update later next week. We plan on having a memorial service for her next weekend.

Alyssa Marie - we love you dearly.