Sunday, October 4, 2009

Back to the grind

I went back to work Thursday. It was like ripping off a band-aid. I think it's because it is another ending, another transition. It was overwhelming. But it was also a relief. I am not sitting around with nothing to do. Now I have too much to do! I am trying not to over-do it but it is hard to do. I'll be fine, going full speed ahead and then bam! I hit a wall and I am exhausted and drained. I'm having to learn my limits. But I am impatient to just move on. When I say 'moving on' I in no way mean forgetting. I want to always honor and remember my beautiful daughter. That is why I am researching and trying to start an organization. God is showing me the direction He wants me to go - forward. Moving on, following His direction and plans. 

My life is not what I imagined in March when I first found out I was pregnant. But I am so thankful for the many ways God has blessed us. Jamie and I have put God at the center of our relationship. Our marriage is stronger in so many ways. I wonder if we would be where we are now without Alyssa. I don't know. But because of Alyssa my husband now wants to go to church every Sunday, wants to do daily devotionals with me and prays with me! God is so amazing! As hard as it is without our little girl, I now have the comfort in knowing one day we will all be together again. I look forward to that day. Until then I will do whatever I have to - whatever God leads me to do. And now I am not doing it alone. Praise God!

Saturday, September 26, 2009


Let me first say that God is so good. He's blessed me in so many ways. Without the gift of Alyssa I would not have this story. I know that He is leading me where He wants me to go. So I am trying my best to keep sharing the story. My mom found tickets for Creation Festival with Jars of Clay, Thousand Foot Crutch, FM Static, This Beautiful Republic, Audio Unplugged and B. Reith. I made business cards asking people to 1) join Prayers for Alyssa Marie on Facebook and 2) visit this blog to read about her story. If you are one of the people we handed cards to thank you for stopping by!! 

God continually amazes me. I've always been a half-full type of person. But I am still amazed at all of the support and encouragement from so many people - thousands of people!! I'll never truly know the impact my little girl has made. Praise God - even though it is the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Sometime in the near future I hope to start an organization to help others. If you know how to do so please email me information! I know that this is a great way to give God glory and continue to keep the amazing story of my little girl alive. My first mini-mission was to hand out 100 cards (thanks to my husband, mom and friend). We even gave them to the awesome bands at Creation Festival (so worth the money to go!!). Mission accomplished. I see them as seeds...what will you do? Take my mini-mission (if you dare)- tell a friend, family member or even a total stranger how great God is and forward this link. If you got a card today pass it on. Let's continue to glorify Him!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Hold My Heart

We had Alyssa's service Saturday, August 19. It was beautiful. I couldn't have asked for anything better to honor and celebrate Alyssa's life. It was also hard. But having friends and family with us helped tremendously. Jamie and I were able to read poems for our little girl. I don't know how we did it but we did.

It still continues to amaze me at how my little girl has impacted others. Every day when I check the mail there are cards from people I don't know saying how much she has touched them. Thank you to everyone who has thought of us. Your words encourage and comfort us.

Here is a link to a video we showed at her service.

Monday, September 14, 2009


I always knew the day would come but not like this. We chose to have Alyssa cremated because we are military. We didn't want to bury her in a place that we are not able to visit frequently. Yesterday we went to pick her up.

One part of me was happy; my little girl was going home to be with us. But a large part of me was sad. On the drive back to Columbia I was able to push aside those feelings and enjoy the drive. But driving to the funeral home I became anxious and I could feel my throat starting to get tight. My heart was aching and I felt like I was in a fog. It seemed surreal to me that we were on our way to get our baby.

I cried because I hurt and because I was thankful to have her back. I cried because I can't see her anymore but I also cried tears of joy that I will see her again. So many thoughts went through my head but the one that was the most frequent was "thank you Lord". Without the gift of Alyssa I would not have this journey - as sad as it is sometimes. I am just thankful to have this opportunity that God has given me to share our story. It still amazes me that a tiny little girl was able to bring so many people to their knees.

Saturday is Alyssa's service. I'm looking forward to it but I'm also dreading it. Every step we take makes the situation more real. It's like finalizing something that I don't want finalized if that makes sense. But I guess it also pushes us forward - a direction that we need to continue to go in as hard as it may be. I will post something this weekend after her service. I know a lot of people want to attend but are not able to.

Friday, September 11, 2009


I am writing this simply because I need to. I don't want to but I feel like I need to. I couldn't do it yesterday but after praying I feel like I can today.

I stayed up until 1:00 am watching Alyssa's screen that showed her heartbeat, oxygen level and blood pressure. It was only when her numbers were good that I fell asleep. Every now and then I would wake up and look and her numbers were good. All through the night. Then I woke up to the alarm for her oxygen. I saw that her heartrate and blood pressure had dropped as well. I think I knew then. I sat and prayed. I prayed that God would see her through it like He had all those other times.

But her numbers kept dropping. I prayed again for strength. I went over to Alyssa, sang to her and told her that we loved her. I told her that we would understand if she needed to stop. I told her we loved her and would see her again. I couldn't handle being there anymore so I told my husband I was going to take a quick break. I went into the room the hospital provided for us and broke down. I prayed again. "Let Your will be done". Then I went back to her room.

When I went back there were doctors and nurses everywhere. They were bagging her to get her oxygen levels up. Her heart rate was going down. A doctor asked if we wanted them to do chest compressions. They had asked this the day before and explained that it wouldn't help her. It would only prolong the inevitable. And I knew. I knew that today was the day she was going home. The doctor said that we could hold her. So that's what we did.

I held my baby girl and I sang to her. We told her how much we loved her, how proud we were of her. I honestly believe that she would have kept fighting but I knew she was tired. I knew she was holding on for us. I couldn't make her do it anymore for my selfish reasons.

Right now I'm heartbroken. I know she is with Jesus and it does provide comfort to me. But the human side of me can't help but want my little girl. I know God's plan is perfect but the human side of me can't understand why. This is the hardest thing we've ever been through. Our little girl has touched so many people and I am so thankful that God chose us to be her parents. I am so proud of my little girl, my Alyssa Marie.

God doesn't make mistakes. Our little girl was never a mistake, the way she was born was never a mistake. As hard as this is I know it isn't a mistake. We got 11 wonderful days with our little girl. I choose to remember those wonderful moments with our angel. But it is also those wonderful moments that make me break down.

Please continue to pray for us. Please pray for those who are angry and pray that they don't turn away from Him. I will probably do an update later next week. We plan on having a memorial service for her next weekend.

Alyssa Marie - we love you dearly.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Putting up a good fight

I don't think the doctors expected Alyssa to make it this long. The night was promising - all her vitals were strong and good. I was able to sleep (not very well but enough). But then I woke up to the sound of an alarm and saw that all of her vitals are down. She is again at this point where there is nothing else to give her and it is in God's hands. I look at her and admire everything about her. Her little hands and feet, her perfect lips. I can't help but wonder if I will ever get to see her grow up and it breaks my heart. I keep reminding myself that there is a reason for all of this. But the human side of me is getting tired of seeing my little girl fight so hard to live. It hurts to see her the way she is. All I can do is pray - whatever the outcome.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


We were called in earlier. The doctors have done everything they can for our little girl. What happens is in God's hands. I am typing this from my phone. I know God knows best but my heart aches with the thought of not seeing my little girl. She is giving a good fight - it is so hard to see her like she is. The doctors and nurses all did everything they could. God has a plan and I need to ask what do I need to learn from this and not why. I pray God gives us peace and strength. I am so thankful that God chose us to be her parents. I am so blessed from this experience. I am so proud of my little angel and thankful for all the moments we've shared. Thank you all for your prayers.